Christmas Letter 2019
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three OUt OF four OF OUR SPAWN WITH FLUFFY DOGGY. nda PRECLUDES PHOTO OF OLDEST CHILD,: SEE BELOW.
Greetings friends! Family! Casual acquaintances! Here’s what each member of the Jennings’ family has been up to in 2019. This letter contains very little bragging. There might be some complaining. We begin with the oldest child:
Oldest child:
An NDA restricts me from sharing information about the oldest child. As per the agreement, I promised the following:
Obligations of Receiving Party. Receiving Party (“Mom”) shall hold and maintain the Confidential Information in strictest confidence for the sole and exclusive benefit of the Disclosing Party (“Ungrateful Little Sh@%”). Receiving Party shall carefully restrict access to Confidential Information to employees, contractors, and third parties, including but not limited to friends on Facebook, Instagram, and other social media websites, as well as to blog readers, as is reasonably required and shall require those persons to sign nondisclosure restrictions at least as protective as those in this Agreement. Receiving Party shall not, without prior written approval of Disclosing Party, use for Receiving Party's own benefit, publish, copy, or otherwise disclose to others, or permit the use by others for their benefit or to the detriment of Disclosing Party, any Confidential Information. Receiving Party shall return to Disclosing Party any and all records, notes, and other written, printed, or tangible materials in its possession pertaining to Confidential Information immediately if Disclosing Party requests it in writing.
(My lawyers say it’s not enforceable; my people are negotiating with his people.)
Ben:
Much of my time this past year has been spent carting this kid to soccer practices, games, orthopedist appointments, social engagements, track meets, and various musical activities. While I wait for His Highness in various parking lots across the greater Monroe County area, I can be spotted in my idling car, reading a book or listening to a podcast while playing Tetris on my phone. Ben, who is part Batman or ninja or puma, thinks it’s hilarious to sneak around my car and pop up out of the blue, sticking his maniacal little face in my window. I’ve lost many a game of Tetris because of his shenanigans. I may have peed myself a couple of times.
You have no idea what it’s like to live in a constant state of terror.
Daniel:
I just can’t with this kid. I mean, read that. Studies show that the youngest child is often their parents’ favorite. THIS IS WHY, PEOPLE.
Ella:
This past summer, Ella informed me she wished to dye her hair pink. Or purple. Or purple and pink. Or blue. Unsure of her school’s position on unicorn hair, I kept putting her off. One morning, she came downstairs with pink hair. You should have seen the mess she made in the bathroom. Honestly, I was surprised she hadn’t done it sooner. We are still unsure of how she procured the necessary products to achieve her new look.
Not too long after, she fell asleep with gum in her mouth. The gum got into her hair, so we cut it off, and now she’s a blonde again. She hasn’t pursued the subject since.
Kiah the Wonder Dog:
Kiah is nine years old and still occasionally jumps up on the counter to eat butter. She is otherwise well behaved, generally, and is probably the great love of my life. How would you live your life if you knew the great love of your life was going to die within the next three to five years? HOW WOULD YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE?
Holly:
Holly wants to turn her blog into a book review blog. I mean, it may never happen, or the first post might be next December. Transitioning is the tricky part.
This blog is now a book review blog.
Transition over. That was rough.
John:
We’ve been married for over two decades, and he can still surprise me in bed.
A few months ago, he told me he no longer wished to continue with the sleeping position he has maintained for the past twenty years. He has since shifted about a third of the way down the bed so that his feet hang off of it, providing willing bait for a variety of under-the-bed monsters. Crocodiles, vampires, pumas, that worm thing from Tremors - he remains unconcerned. “I like hooking my toes under the mattress,” he says.
Well, I’m glad you’re being true to yourself, buddy.
WHAT SORT OF SOCIOPATHIC BEHAVIOR IS THIS? The blanket situation has become a nightmare. His head is basically aligned with my boobs, which is lovely for him, but who wants someone breathing on their boobs all night? Also, he snores.
ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS CARDS.
So I haven’t sent Christmas cards in a while. And many of you have taken us off our list. After all, if we can’t shell out the $.25 on a card, why should you? You’re as busy as I am, but you make time to address all those envelopes. Why can’t I? Where are my priorities? I get it. I mean, it’s a little petty on your part to be like that, but I get it. I get it. I wanted to let you now that cards have been purchased and will be sent out as soon as I obtain the necessary stampage. I guess stamp prices have increased a bit since the last time I sent out cards? $.35 or something? Man, that’s going to add up to a lot of dough.
Because of the aforementioned NDA, I can’t send a picture of my beautiful, adorable, sweet, lovable children. So I got the old-fashioned kind of Christmas cards, and they’re smaller than I meant them to be. They have snowmen on them. They say Merry Christmas. If you’ve moved in the past five years, you may not get one.
IN CONCLUSION.
What a decade, huh?
Wishing you and yours a magical holiday season filled with joy, love, and the amicable arbitration of any NDAs you may violate in the new year.
Merry Christmas!
